Jitters

Oh man, am I stressed.

I've got this work thing, and the EA Games-like pressure and overtime, and so I really can't afford to quit Karate: it's the only opportunity I have for leaving the house on a regular schedule, since I work at home and largely don't leave my office otherwise. Also, it's the only thing keeping me sane, and the desire to just walk into traffic gets pretty high at times.

The thing is, since achieving a new study level, I've been tossed into a more leadership role in class, and I'm not a front-of-the-class type of guy. I want to just do my work, work through this massive funk I'm in, and then move on.

Yeah, the funk: I hit a wall about 4 months ago, where everything feels wrong. Even a Front Punch feels like I'm doing it incorrectly, and that's the first thing that new students learn on their first day. I'm 6 years in and I am sure I'm blowing it. I'm over-thinking things, consequently, and that causes me to lose the flow and flub my katas and doubt myself more in this nasty-ass spiral of doubt and fucking up.

So, every day before class, even though I'm already fasting

Yeah, I gotta because I'm a bit sick and don't want An Incident during class.

I still get a massive case of stomache cramps and sometimes have to bail. I'm not sure if it's jitters about class, jitters about my new teaching role or jitters about potentially being ill in class. Either way, it rather prevents me from going sometimes. And I hate that.

Just wanted to get that off my chest.

update: I had to bail from class. Too sick.